Good morning.
I hope you’ve all been enjoying the holidays peacefully.
Like most people, I have a habit of taking stock of things at the end of the year and this year is no different. This was, perhaps, one of the most unique years of my life. I moved from Brooklyn to Austin; traveled to Europe twice and visited Oslo, Vienna, Copenhagen, Bologna, and Sicily; got engaged; bought a car; and said goodbye to my 97-year-old grandfather.
I’m 38 years old and feel both more like myself than ever and also less like myself than ever; or as though I’m still holding something back from other people. I feel more confident than ever in how I approach work and how I work with others while also recognizing that I really don’t know anything at all. At the same time, I feel very far away from the way I’ve seen myself since I was about 14 years old—as a writer and something of an artist. I am lucky to be in love with and loved by a wonderful person and to have been embraced by her family and loved by them in turn. And at the same time I don’t know where we should spend the rest of our lives or if there is a place that truly feels like home for me. I live a safe and comfortable life with no shortage of things that can be counted as “achievements” and yet I want more. I want a really good piece of news to arrive. I want someone to tell me something about myself that I’ve never known before. I want things to continue to evolve and change.
I suppose that’s the way life works. All those things exist and are both true and not true at the same time. The way I feel about each of these things or towards those things every day is a choice I make. I can choose to see 38 as entering middle age and see the opportunities in front of me receding. And in some ways that is true. But I can also see myself at 38 and see someone merely at the beginning of something. And in some ways that is also true.
Once again, a year is ending and I have very little to complain about. I keep writing because I can’t stop myself. I’m not sure if I’m getting better but I keep doing it in the hope that maybe there’s some improvement. And I thank all of you who happen to read these posts for indulging me. There’s no real reason to and I appreciate any time you’ve taken to read what I’ve written.
Below are my best “things” of the year. These are things I watched, listened to, and experienced this year.
See you in 2024.
Watched
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
I wrote a bit about this experience back in the summer. I saw Lawrence of Arabia (1962) on a 97 degree June day on a big screen at the Paramount Theater in Austin. It was the second time I’d seen this masterpiece. There aren’t many greater experiences than watching this movie let alone on a big screen.
The Great British Bake Off Series 14 (2023)
By no means am I a GBBO super fan. I’m not big on competition or reality shows and I have a mild attachment to the franchise. But damn did I enjoy watching this latest season. As my fiance and I finally moved into our own place in Austin and had to fill the biggest space we’d both lived in as adults after we sold the majority of our furniture when we left New York, we were exhausted most evenings. Watching this show and seeing [redacted]’s run to winning the whole thing was a restorative experience.
Alcaraz v. Djokovic at Wimbledon
There is nothing like watching an excellent Wimbledon Final on TV. The Wimbledon Final is usually on or right after the Fourth of July weekend and, if the match is especially good, it feels as if the summer can’t get any better. I’ll never forget the 2008 Wimbledon Final between Nadal and Federer for this reason. I watched this year’s final with my fiance and her father and we were on the edge of our seats on the couch the entire time.
The Holdovers (2023)
I wrote about this movie already. I loved this movie.
The Deer Hunter (1978)
After listening to The Ringer’s podcast series “Do We Get to Win This Time?” I really wanted to watch The Deer Hunter (1978). It’d been probably about 10 years or more since I’d last watched it. It’s still a devastating movie but I’d forgotten how much it feels like a Russian novel. You know, the sweep of it. The scenes where Michael first returns from war were especially captivating to me this time around. DeNiro never looked better on screen.
The Bear Season 2 (2023)
Everyone wrote about this. I wrote about this too. The entire arc of the season, and the way the character development was executed, was so thoroughly satisfying. It’s good we can still all agree on a few things.
Albert Brooks: Defending My Life (2023)
A decade ago, I would’ve counted down the days until this came out on HBO. Now I was completely surprised to see this documentary on my Max home screen. I grew up on Albert Brooks movies—shouts especially to Mother (1996) and The Muse (1999), lower-tier Brooks movies admittedly but they were always on HBO in the afternoons after school. This documentary obviously had the obligatory gushing talking head portions but the overall structure being a conversation between Brooks and childhood friend Rob Reiner was a nice touch. The real revelation was seeing all of the archival footage of Brooks’s visionary bits on the talk show circuit of the 1960s and 1970s. Plus, when you stack up everything in his life—his astonishing childhood, his comedy bits, the movies he directed, the movies he acted in—he truly is a unique figure in American entertainment.
Jalen Hurts runs for a walkoff TD in the rain in Philadelphia
It’s strange writing about this moment now as this Eagles season is starting to spiral downward. (They are 10-4 as of this writing and on a three-game losing streak.) I may look back on this moment as the peak of a once promising but ultimately disappointing year. I was spending Thanksgiving in Palm Springs with my fiance’s family. We were out all day on Sunday, November 26th while the Bills and Eagles went back and forth in the rain in Philadelphia. The Eagles rallied back and then almost blew the game but managed to make a 59-yard field goal to send the game into overtime. I followed all of this on my phone but was back at the AirBnb for overtime. I turned on the TV as the Eagles were driving and was able to see this play below.
Absolute goosebump moment. Too bad that’s probably as good as things were gonna get this season.
The Boy and the Heron (2023)
My fiance loves Miyazaki movies more than I do, even if I do like and enjoy them. We saw Miyzaki’s latest and probably last film together in the theater. The first act created a great sense of dread and mystery that I absolutely loved. However, the movie then turned into something of a psychedelic journey that you had to simply sit back and enjoy. Parsing what this movie meant or how the movie’s logic worked was pointless. It was just beautiful to look at.
My fiance and her family
I spent almost half of 2023 living with my fiance’s parents. Spending that much time with someone else’s parents is a unique experience. There are lots of reasons why but the most interesting to me is the brief little tableaus you are privy to that feel like spying. I’ve seen my fiance’s father put his arm around her lovingly in so many little ways that indicate how precious she is to him; I’ve gotten to see my finance and her sister and their parents lounging together on the couch with blankets to watch a movie while I sit at a slight remove at the couch corner. Not because I don’t feel included or part of the family—the complete opposite is true—but because I am simply not part of the nuclear family. That is a fact. And, in a strange way, it feels as if I am just offscreen in a home movie that no one ever took.
Listened
Joy’All (2023) by Jenny Lewis
I’ve talked about Jenny Lewis already so you know how I feel about her latest album. An enjoyable and fluid album, which is no small feat.
Milk for Flowers by H. Hawkline (2023)
This record was one of my favorite discoveries this year. I didn’t know anything about H. Hawkline but read about this album on AllMusic. I listened to this record on repeat for most of April. “Suppression Street” was probably the standout track for me. It sounds like a mixture of Bowie from 1971-1974 crossed with a dash of Harry Nilsson. The whole album is like that really.
The Take It Away Podcast
I wrote a long essay about the surprising way Take It Away entered and filled my life this year. One of the best things I listened to and one of the things that consistently brought me joy in 2023.
Strays (2023) by Margo Price
Over the past three years, Margo Price has become one of my favorite contemporary artists. That’s How Rumors Get Started (2020) was fantastic and I think Strays (2023) is even better. The music is a little bit harder (Strays is closer to Petty while That’s How Rumors Get Started is closer to Fleetwood Mac) but the songwriting feels like it went up another level.
“Frequency” (2005) by Super Furry Animals
One night while cooking I decided to put on Lovekraft, the 2005 album by The Super Furry Animals. It’s not a perfect record but it's the Super Furry Animals doing their thing. And “Frequency” is probably the high point. The song has an indelible chorus that stays in your head for days after matched up with a verse that seems to evoke the score from Lawrence of Arabia.
The “An Officer and a Gentleman” episode of The Rewatchables
Once again, I spent too many hours listening to The Rewatchables podcast. This was by far their best episode of the year. It doesn’t hurt that they were covering one of my favorite movies. When I had COVID in February, I was trying to think of a movie I wanted to watch to make me feel better and I picked An Officer and a Gentleman. There are some dated parts to this movie (the way women are treated and spoken to is, well, not great) but as a romance it has everything you want and hits the right notes of melodrama. Debra Winger in 1980-1983 is one of my all-time movie crushes (I’ll fire up Terms of Endearment with you right now if you want) and the final scene is probably one of the best couple minutes of pure moviemaking you’re going to find.
The sound of rain
This summer, Austin had a streak of 44 straight days of 100 degree heat that stretched from July through September. During that streak, there was a stretch of 30 days where there wasn’t a drop of rain. On August 22nd, that streak was broken. When we heard the sound of rain on the roof, my fiance and I rushed to the window to make sure what we heard was true. We both did a small leap of joy.
Experienced
Cold plunge in Oslofjord
This May, I was in Norway for about two weeks. During that period of time my fiance and I spent a few hours sitting in a sauna followed by a cold plunge in the Oslofjord. The Oslofjord is not actually a fjord, but we can get into that another time. It was the first time I’d jumped into 40 degree water and let me tell you something—that is an experience. I spasmodically paddled while veteran plungers took lounging strokes through the frigid water. It was a good warm up though for plunging into an actual fjord later in our trip (without a sauna to hop back into) and then, even later in our trip, taking morning swims in frigid Traunsee in the Austrian Alps and jumping into the 54 degree canals in Copenhagen.
Re-reading Having and Being Had (2020)
As I’ve mentioned, the past month at work has been a trying time. In the evenings, I needed something to ground me and make sure I was pointed in the right direction. I read Eula Biss’s Having and Being Had back in 2020 and found it enlightening, so I turned back to it this month. Biss’s exploration of work, of labor, of capitalism, of owning and consuming things remains clarifying for me in ways that are hard to explain. Mainly what I appreciate is the distilled, but thoughtful way each paragraph in each section is written. As my fiance put it, “It’s kind of what the perfect version of Twitter would be or what you always hoped it could be.” But I also appreciate her honest way of exploring and interrogating her own life and saying she doesn’t know if there is a truly “right” way to live.
Seeing my grandfather for the last time
My grandfather passed away this August at the age of 97. I was extremely lucky to have him in my life for such a long time. I went to visit him and my grandmother in February before I moved to Austin. That was the last time I saw him and I’m glad I went and it’ll be a moment in time I’ll always remember.
Swimming at Zingaro Nature Reserve
In September, my fiance and I went to Sicily for two weeks. One day we went for a hike in the Zingaro Nature Reserve. It was about 90 degrees and we tried to decide what beach to swim at in the reserve. We read multiple Google reviews of beaches, which isn’t really the most helpful way to decide on a beach. We landed on Cala Marinella at my girlfriend’s choosing—and I’m glad we did. Jumping off a diving rock into clear water never felt better.
Driving through Jotunheim National Park
During our stay in Norway, my girlfriend and I drove from Oslo to the fjords. We drove a route that took us through Jotunheim National Park. This was one of the most stunning drives I’ve ever taken. The round was bordered by stacks of snow that at some points were eight feet high. And at the peak, you could stare in every direction and see nothing but white, save for the gliding figures cross-country skiing. Potentially even more astonishing was the fact that when we descended from the elevation in the park and came down into the Fjords it was like we had been dropped into an entirely different season.
Getting a birthday cupcake from my two nieces
This summer when I was on Long Island for my grandfather’s funeral, I was home for long enough that we were bordering on my birthday. One night I went over to my sister’s house to see my nieces. After playing for a few hours, my sister and my nieces surprised me with a big chocolate cupcake with a candle in it. That was probably the best present I’ve gotten in a long time.
Eating at Bar Amour in Oslo
On our last night in Oslo, my fiance and I went to Bar Amour, which is a small restaurant above a coffee shop chain. This was one of the best dining experiences of my life. The atmosphere was like sitting in someone’s living room for a small dinner party. Our server was also one of the owners. He was Portuguese and served us a variety of great Portuguese wines. Every dish on the tasting menu was fantastic. I think we were there for three hours. My fiance and I walked home on quiet Oslo streets at about midnight in a stupor. What had just happened to us?
Helping my grandmother plant chrysanthemum
My grandfather’s funeral was on August 29th. On Labor Day I drove out East on Long Island to see my grandmother. I brought her some lunch and we talked for about two or three hours. One of the things she asked me to do while I was there was to plant a chrysanthemum in the front bed of her condo. I’m no gardener, but I was glad I was there to help her.
Walking Bologna
Before my fiance and I went to Sicily, we stayed in Bologna. I didn’t know much about Bologna except that a girl who went to Mount Holyoke that I was once briefly involved with had studied abroad there. But what a town! There’s obviously history and notable sites, but not to the degree that you feel the pressure to see them all. It’s a university town so there is already something of a laid back vibe, but then you add the porticos that Bologna is known for to that atmosphere and you get a city that is wonderful for strolling and not doing much at all in.
Being proposed to
On our last night in Sicily, my girlfriend and I were staying in the town of Cefalu on the northeast coast of the island. We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant with a tasting menu. We had a great dinner. After dinner, my girlfriend wanted to walk back along the harbor and go to a lookout point on the sea wall. It was about 11:30 PM. We had to wait while a couple making out vacated the lookout point over the water. My girlfriend was insistent we had to go out there. We walked out to the point and before I knew it, she was down on one knee proposing to me. I was so shocked, I said yes and took the ring and ring box and put it in my pocket. It took me a second to realize that I hadn’t even put the ring on. Life is more surprising and wonderful than you can ever imagine.
I love all your editions, but this has been my favorite so far. Thank you for sharing!